Jealousy and Loneliness

“This is my interpretation and it don’t make sense” – My Interpretation, MIKA

I’ve never thought of myself as the jealous type. However, recently I’ve been struggling with feelings of jealousy and loneliness. If you couldn’t guess that from the title.

To give a little bit of background to this, I should explain a few things. First off, I have two extremely close friends. They’ve been there for me through so much and for such a long time that we’re practically family, as cliche as that sounds. I love them both so much. Secondly, they both live around 200 miles away from me. That’s 200 miles to my nearest and best friend. Which sucks. In my town, there’s my actual family and that’s it. So yeah, it gets lonely. And my anxiety and depression don’t help.

My two friends, obviously, have other friends as well. Their other friends live in the same towns as them. Which is where the jealousy kicks in. It’s never the “how dare they hang out with so-and-so” jealousy, more like the “damn I wish I could spend that much time with my closest friends” type. I hate that I can’t just pop over to a friend’s house for a cup of tea and a chat.

I hate these feelings.

I’m not good at handling emotions anyway, I never really have been. These emotions, though, are such powerful ones and can overwhelm you if you let them. And, well, I’ve let them.

I should say that I’ve been keeping these under control. I’m not about to go all Fatal Attraction on my closest friends – trust me, you don’t have to worry.

The hard part is that the cocktail of loneliness + jealousy + anxiety + depression packs a hell of a punch. On the one hand, I know these feelings need to be dealt with in the healthy way – aka talking them through with the people involved. But on the other hand, my anxiety just won’t let that happen. Not that I haven’t tried, I have on many occasions. But here’s how that normally goes:

Me: Hey, can I ask something? It might seem kind of out of the blue.

Friend: Of course 🙂

M: We’re still okay, right? Like we’re still good friends and everything?

F: Of course we are! What makes you say that?

M: Oh nothing, just feeling distant. (or insert any other excuse).

I never actually say how I really feel, I get nervous and shut it down before they can convince me I’m wrong. Even if they do try to continue it and tell me how we’re still friends, this little – but very loud – voice in my head tells me “They’re lying to you. They know how pathetic you are and don’t want to upset you.”

Why am I writing this down? To be honest, I don’t know. Maybe a part of me hopes I’ll be able to find the courage to send it to my friends and they’ll read it and realise why I’ve been acting so weird lately. Maybe I just need to vent to strangers on the internet.

I guess my point, if there is one, or at least what I’d like people to take away from this is this: if you have a friend who suffers from any mental health issue, or has anything hard happening in their life right now, send them a message to tell them you need them around or let them know they’re loved somehow. They might not have the courage to ask for validation yet, but that doesn’t mean they don’t need it.

Until the next post,

RS

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