“So now, to the one/With the never ending/And invisible scars/Look up, look up/The stars!” – The Stars, Patrick Wolf
There are a lot of scary things in life. For me, anyway. Somedays I find answering messages scary, other days it’s leaving the house. Somedays I jump at the sound of doors opening and closing, other days I can stay perfectly still while watching a horror movie. I find it hard to distinguish the good days from the bad days most of the time. On paper, my day could seem amazing while the voice in my head tells me something completely different – I guess that’s depression for you.
I try to take time for myself. But “time for myself” becomes total isolation pretty quickly. I think I’ve learnt to be an introvert because it’s easier than worrying about messing up in front of an audience. I don’t enjoy my own company; I find it hard to believe that anyone does. I prefer texting because I can think about what to say before it reaches the other person. My days follow the same pattern each day that I find I lose track of them. I bought myself nice pyjamas so that I can feel like I look nice even on days where I can’t bring myself to change out of them.
I’ve always wanted to be a star. Not a celebrity kind of star; an actual, physical star. I’ve always admired them. They sit in the sky with such stillness and serenity. Stars aren’t alone, either – they have constellations of bright buddies that help them to be even more beautiful. Throughout my twenty-one years on Earth, I’ve always loved the sky – from the clouds during the day to the twinkly stars at night. Stars, clouds, the sky…it always reminds me that the universe is so much bigger than my speck of a bubble. No matter where I am – mentally or geographically – the stars are always there.
I’m not sure if this post has much of a point or a message – I guess you guys can take from it whatever you’d like.
Things get difficult; that’s a fact of life. But the important thing is to not let that overwhelm you. I’d be a complete hypocrite if I said that it was easy to stop getting overwhelmed, but it’s something you should try and work on. Some days will be overwhelming and there’s not much to do other than make sure you’re still breathing when you go to bed. It’s unbelievably easy to let the cloud of depression taint your day – if you’ve never experienced it, trust me. The thing about depression is that it’s all in your head. In YOUR head; you’re the boss of your own mind, pal, don’t forget that. So, when thinking back over an event or a day you’ve had, swap out those grey-tinted glasses for some rose-tinted ones.
Find your own version of what the stars are for me. Something to anchor yourself even on your worst days. You can get through this, we both can.
Until the next post,